Dead Hand

March 3, 2010

Dead Hand
\’ded-‘hand\ n 1: an alienable possession of property by a church or corporation 2: the oppressive influence of the past

It’s hard to let the past fade. Even though it is logically behind us, it is never really gone; constantly affecting our actions and the way we live our day to day lives. There are great aspects of our past, memorable birthday parties with all those great gifts, the first dance where the cliché of boys opposite girls really did exist; graduating high school and then college and starting one’s life. These are all positive parts of one’s past, however in addition to the positive, there is almost always a corresponding negative.
I was, what you would consider a happy child, laughing, making corny jokes that only my parents laughed at, attending sleepovers. However the smiling was often a façade. While my life at home was blessed, I was not popular; trying unmercifully to “make friends” and failing horribly. Grammar school was a nightmare that often resulted in crying fits at home and the never ending phrase, “why don’t they like me?”
That part of my past, however much of a dead hand it was, has enabled me to move forward in each of my relationships and while it does sometimes rear its ugly head, I am slowly realizing that while it is hard to let the past fade, perhaps we owe it to ourselves and our future relationships to at least try.